If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
