the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
