do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
