I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
