Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
