I think I died a long time ago.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
