Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You're like the curious george of whores
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
40s are totally the cure
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
