i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
