The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
God, I missed his penis.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
