his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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