how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
