Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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