What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
