I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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