i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize