the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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