i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
