Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
