my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
