i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
In America we eat man semen.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
