she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
