My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
