they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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