Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
