Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
