he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
