Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
