dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize