i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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