So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
