Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
