oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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