What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
