Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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