her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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