Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
