i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
