also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
