his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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