she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
