if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize