apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize