last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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