Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
