sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize