she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
