I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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