Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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