Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
