Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
