Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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