And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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