now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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