dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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