My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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