I cockslap morals
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
