i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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