I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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