My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize