he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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