Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
