did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
