I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
